Below are jokes taken from the T171 conferences - the students there were a laugh a minute and I thought it was only appropriate that I should share some of the humour from the course with others! Where possible the person posting the message has been credited at the end of the joke! Enjoy! :-)

Guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

The priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after mass.
"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great cathedral at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley; "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?"

"Deed I did, Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you."

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr. O'Riley. Is he here?"

"No. He's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

(Teresa M Da Silva Singles Cafe)

Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
...
...
...
"It's swollen."

(J. Paine T171 Cafe)

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.

She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy,

"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

(J. Paine T171 Cafe)

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't!

(Scott Frater T171 Cafe)

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The bereaved wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

(J. Paine T171 Cafe)

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He again pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

(J. Paine, Natalie Pocock T171 Cafe)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly Marx four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

(J. Paine, John Halsey T171 Cafe)

Every day, Osama bin Laden wakes up and, before going down to breakfast, asks his magic mirror,

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who the biggest a#@ehole of them all?"

The mirror replies,

"You are Osama."

This pleases him no end and he goes off to breakfast with a big beaming smile on his face.

Then one day, he enters the breakfast cave with a scowl on his face and his wives know that he is really angry, so they keep very quiet. After some time, one of his wives plucks up courage and asks what the problem is, to which he replies......

"Who the F**K is Roy Keane?"

(J. Paine, Mike Zammit T171 Cafe)

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners."

"The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch!"

(J Paine, Ann Forest T171 Cafe)

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

(Joe Godden T171 Cafe)

Mama's Wash Cloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.
One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again.
While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

(Nikki Chapman T171 Cafe)

Ladies and gentleman an ode to Roy Keane (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Roy Keane-ian Rhapsody
==================

Mama, just kicked a man.
There's a screw loose in my head,
Because I tried to break his leg,

Fergie, the seasons just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away!

Forlan! Ooh -ooh - ooh,
Makes me want to sigh!
We'd score more goals with Sid James or Kenneth
Williams,
Carry On, Camping,
The whole teams just in tatters.

Too late, my crime is done,
Tried to mangle Alfie's spine,
Now he's aching all the time,

Goodbye Mick McCarthy, I've got to go,
Got to leave the squad behind, 'cos I'm a ----!

Veron! Ooh -ooh - ooh
He doesn't seem to try,
I sometimes wish he'd never been bought at all.

(guitar solo)

(Opera Section)
I see a little packaged sandwich filled with prawns,

LAURENT BLANC! LAURENT BLANC!
HE'S JUST SLOW, OLD AND USELESS!

Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening
indeed!!!

WHERE IS RIO ?,
Where is Rio?,

WHERE IS RIO?,
Where is Rio?,

Because Laurents far too slow! He's far too
slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....

I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!

HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!

SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!

Here it comes, Open goal - Forlan must score.

HE WILL NOT!

No! He's simply got to score!

HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!

No! He's simply got to score!

HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!

NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER
SCORE.........

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Oh where is Rio? where is Rio ?

Has he really stubbed his toe ?

Beelzebub take the Nevilles from my side, Oh Please ?

Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeaaaase?

(Guitar riff)

So you think that I punch refs and spit in their eyes?

Would I kick Alan Shearer and leave him to die?

Oh baby, Even though I seem crazy,

I'm Roy the Red, rich, thick and madder each year.

(Slow bit)

All the guys I've clattered.....even poor Alfie!

Now I've got a Court case...........I just want to
kick folk, you see ?

Tell me where did Mick go ?

(Kevin Gregory T171 Cafe)

The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was completely without substance, and,
the darkness was upon the face of workers and they
spoke amongst themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit
and it stink."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said
"It's a pail of dung and none can abide it's odour."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and said to them,
"It's a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
none may abide it."

And the managers went unto their directors and said,
"It's a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide it's strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice-presidents and said unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the vice-presidents went unto the President and said unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company and will be most effective."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it as good.
And the Plan became policy.
And this, my friends, is how shit happens.

(Nikki Chapman T171 Cafe)

The day has finally arrived.

Today is the day you take your son to his first football game.

Leading up to the big day you have told him about game day, the smell of the fresh cut grass, and the hotdogs that taste better at the ground than anywhere else.

The roar of the crowd when the home team scores.

You tell him all about the marvellous sites & sounds he'll see on that wonderful day.

But, the only thing he'll remember about the big day is......
http://www.webtech.co.uk/at-the-match.jpg

80) Original joke posted in OUSA Smutania by J Halsey.

(J. Paine T171 Cafe)

The police raid a mans house. When they search his garage they find 25 shopping trolleys. When the police ask how he got these trolleys he replies "I got them at a bargain price of a pound each!"

(Joe Godden - courtesy of her son - T171 Cafe)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North
America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America
is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and
over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The
Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small populated area
in the land mass of Great Britain and said "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Greater Manchester, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills, great music
and a world dominating football team called Manchester United. The people from
Greater Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're
going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, thieving b*st*rds I'm
putting next to them in Merseyside."

(Catherine Daley T171 Cafe)

Tributes have been pouring in over the sad news of the death of Sir Stanley Matthews.
Kevin Keegan said, "He was a Legend..."~
George Best described his talent as "Sublime..."~
Bobby Charlton called him "a Brazilian in an England shirt..."
Gary Lineker was quoted as saying "he was the last great gentleman of the game".
David Beckham said, "it's a real shame. Posh & I loved his turkey drummers.... they're bootiful!"

(Harry Unsworth T171 Cafe)

A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts.

"Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly."
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!?... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? ...............................I don't think so!!"

(J. Paine, Nick Seward T171 Cafe)

Subject: nightmares

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquire nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied...............................................................

......................"That's me before the operation."

(J. Paine, Tony Gaskell T171 Cafe)

Original Joke posted in OUSA Smuttania Conference by J Halsey.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Car for sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Genuine only 15km on the clock
Only first gear and reverse ever used
Never driven hard
Original tyres
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 careful driver
Owner wishing to sell due to change of employment
Photo at http://www.webtech.co.uk/usedcar.jpg

(J. Paine T171 Cafe)

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......"

(J. Paine, John Halsey T171 Cafe)

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. As they are approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they start
arguing about how to pronounce the town's name, and continue arguing
until they stop for lunch. As the stand at the counter, one of the tourists
asks the server: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you pronounce the name of the place where we are - very slowly, please?"
The employee leans over the counter and says: "
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,gerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiiiiing"

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure ... to [properly] govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she doesn't fancy. Your new Prime Minister (the Rt.Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 98 percent of you who are unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required, occasionally, to cast British actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after obeying Rule 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing "American football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as "American football" is not a very good game.
The two percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football." You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, as it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to "American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98 percent of you who are not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians may have been the bad guys up to now but they ain't the worst. By the way, "merde" is French for "shit."

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

11. The FAA is to be absorbed into the CAA as the Western office, with immediate effect. FARs are to be replaced by JARs which, in turn, will be replaced by BCARs.

12. The "N" registration will be replaced by "G" on all US-operated aircraft.

13. Driving will be on the left side of the road. Trucks (which will be called lorries, with immediate effect) will change over side on Sunday next, and cars one month later, if there are any left by then.

(Trevor Marsh T171 Cafe)

When football really is the most important thing !

A man had great tickets for the World Cup final, found his seat and sat down.

Another man came over and asked if anyone had the seat next to him.

"No," he said, "its empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the
world and then not use it?" he said.

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to be here
with me but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shook his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."

(Joan Turner T171 Cafe)

NOSMOKE
Tech Support: "What's the problem?"
Customer: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech Support: "You'll need a new power supply."
Customer: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech Support: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
Customer: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
10 minutes later, the Customer is still adamant that they are right. The Tech Support is frustrated and fed up.
Tech Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
Customer: "I knew it!"
Tech Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
Customer: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech Support: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
Customer: "MS-DOS 6.22"
Tech Support: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
Customer: "I need a new power supply."
Tech Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Customer: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech Support:"Then what did he say?"
Customer: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those" evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust".

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

(Harry Unsworth (with the permission of his wife!) T171 Cafe)

After all is said and done,~
usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody.~ Nobody is perfect,~
therefore I am perfect.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.~
One was asalted.

You have done so much,~
with so little for so long, that you are now qualified~
to do anything with nothing.

Why do Americans choose from just two people for president~
and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on~
which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant~
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

It may be your sole purpose in life~
to simply serve as a warning to others!

I earn a seven figure salary.~
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:~
Your garbage disposal probably eats better~
than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.

At the first chance he had,~
Adam blamed it all on Eve.

It it far more impressive~
when others discover your good qualities~
without your help!

If you always tell the truth,~
you don't have to remember anything!

If ignorance is bliss...~
then why aren't more people happy?

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody ever found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But I've heard it plenty times said !

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

59 Actual Newspaper Headlines

(collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

(Nigel Ashton T171 Cafe)

How To Write Good
-----------------
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Be clear in what goes on.
24. That is to say, ambiguity might or might not be a good thing.
25. Be confident in what you say, if you think it's a good idea.
26. Some writers can be very judgmental and others tend to categorize Try to avoid it.
27. Know your readers and talk on their level, but don't talk to strangers.
28. I think you should back up statements with hard facts rather than opinions.
29. Lack of imagination can be as annoying as an annoying thing.
30. For goodness sake, don't make bigger assholes of yourselves by offending people.
31. Try to combat writer's block with.....whatever.
32. Plaigarisms in writing are like feathers on a snake, so go around the barn at high noon to avoid this.
33. Mixing a singular with a plural are bad grammar.
34. Each sentence should flow from the last. Before you start, this is one thing to note.
35. To have a phrase with an infinitive only, or no verb at all. Very wrong.
36. Brevity....hmmm.

...and finally, learn from your mistakes and avoid repetition!

(Arnold G Slater T171 Cafe)

If Microsoft Made Cars:
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Children (these are purported to be true)

Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenbeng invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

11. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, Comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotel. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers

(Nigel Ashton T171 Cafe)

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

The wall between heaven and hell at one time had fallen into a state of disrepair and was causing considerable embarrassment to those in heaven.
This caused St Peter to call a meeting with Satan (on neutral ground) to remonstrate with him and to advise him that the maintenance of this wall was his responsibility.
Satan was having nothing of it and told St P to get lost. If he wanted the wall repairing he could do it himself.
This argument went on for some time with no progress until St Peter in exasperation threatened to sue Satan.
To which Satan replied "..... and where will you find a lawyer?"

(Geoff Copeland T171 Cafe)

Who's In Charge of The Body

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge...
just an asshole.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.
7. Dogs are better than any cats. Full stop.
8. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not sport.
10. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
14. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
15. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
16. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
27. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
28. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
29. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
30. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
31. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
32. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
33. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
34. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
35. Anyone can buy condoms

(Tony Chivers T171 Cafe)

What men really mean..........

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
Stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
My hand, while the fish swim by in
Complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
Connected with it, and you have no chance
At all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
Over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
The vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
The address of the first girl I ever kissed,
And the vehicle identification numbers
Of every car I've ever owned,
But I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
Was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
Pretty darn soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
So I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
Just said, and am hoping desperately that I
Can fake it well enough so that you don't
Spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
And realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough
and you're gonna want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?

The dog of course...
at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About an hour.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$2.99 a minute.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(Gareth Thomas 5 T171 Cafe)

The Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde woman was in deep financial trouble, so decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

"I've kidnapped your child. Leave $25,000 in a plain brown bag behind the oak tree in the park by 7:00 am tomorrow."

The note was signed: "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little lad's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, the blonde returned to the park to find $25,000 in a brown bag, just as she'd been instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:

"Here's your money. I can't believe one blonde would do this to another!"

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

(Duncan R Tidd T171 Cafe)

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination Without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into >the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power...A power failure? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

Have a nice day!

(Norma White T171 Cafe (moderator!))

26 Things the Movies Taught You...
1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you the make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

(Debbie Wells T171 Survivors)

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes...Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

(Tara Baker-Mills T171 Survivors)

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

(Tara Baker-Mills T171 Survivors)

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. As they are approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they start
arguing about how to pronounce the town's name, and continue arguing
until they stop for lunch. As the stand at the counter, one of the tourists
asks the server: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you pronounce the name of the place where we are - very slowly, please?"
The employee leans over the counter and says: "
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,geeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnng"

(Kevin Reilly T171 Survivors)

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong? she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

(Sarah-Jane Wareham T171 Survivors)

Blonde Detective Training

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm .
. . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his
file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I
can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

(Nigel Gibson (wonderful tutor!) T171 Survivors)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

(Teresa Da Silva, Singles Cafe)

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading,
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested
"Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with
"Catatonics and High Colonics.
Thumbs down again.
By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Ass-holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally
settled on
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends."

(Teresa Da Silva, Singles Cafe)

The 10 things men know (for sure) about women!!!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They got Boobs!.

(Teresa Da Silva, Singles Cafe)

I BET YOU'LL READ IT TWICE!!!!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down
lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella Mississippi' ."

(Teresa Da Silva, Singles Cafe)